Since graduating with my bachelor's in 2012 I've lived in a couple different places but I keep coming back to live with my mom. I find that a lot of recent grads are in my situation to be honest, but I guess I never saw myself as one of them. For the longest time I remember being so determined to get out on my own after college and be as successful as I could. I give myself major kudos for trying at least. I lived in Chicago for a time and at first it felt great to be in the "big city." I was running around going to shows and out shopping, hanging with friends whenever. The freedom was intoxicating. I was no longer stuck at home or at a small college town. It felt like I was really living in the real world, making things happen for myself. The possibilities were endless.
But then I started to get lonely, realllly lonely. This was a totally new feeling to me because I was never someone who was prone to being lonely. I'm naturally a very introverted person so I gain my energy from being alone. There are many days where I don't feel like I have to hang out with anyone or make a social appearance. I'm perfectly content with a bunch of books, my cat, wifi and green tea. But for some weird reason, I got terribly lonely in Chicago. It was crippling at times, so much so that I would call my mom and cry to come home. It was completely crazy because I was finally getting what I always wanted right? The freedom of living alone, the opportunity to do whatever I wanted in the city, the prospect of starting over somewhere fresh..
I still can't explain what happened to me. I had lived in London for a whole semester without being homesick or lonely once and here I was in Chicago, only 90 miles away from home and crying to come back! All I can say now looking back is that it just wasn't right for me. I consider myself fiercely independent so it was a shock to realize I had feelings that were going against everything that I thought I was. In the long run though maybe it saved me a lot of hassle, maybe I moved too quickly. Who knows.
Then it all happened again earlier this year when I tried to move to England and enroll in another degree. Somehow it was all that I wanted when I was here and planning for it and then those dreams and desires quickly vanished once I got there. There were a number of reasons why I came home this time, which I won't get into because some of them are deeply personal. Once again though, I felt almost betrayed by my feelings. Something that I wanted so badly, quickly vanished, leaving me with my old depression and anxiety. I had some horrible days when I first came back. I felt like a complete failure, I didn't want to see anyone, I didn't want to tell anyone what happened. I wanted to be completely left alone to feel bad for myself.
Then slowly but surely that all started to change. It didn't happen overnight. I just slowly started accepting that wherever on this planet I end up living, I have to make the choice to be happy. Realizing that was monumental for me. Your happiness is a choice. And no I'm not talking about everyone who suffers from severe depression and mental illness, I'm not saying all they have to do is wake up and decide to be happy. I know it's a lot deeper than that for some people. I'm simply talking about my own experience and what I had to do. I do think at times I've suffered from forms of depression and anxiety and I've started to realize what makes me feel better. I realize now I need to have a daily routine. If I don't all my days melt into one another and I feel like I'm spiraling down a bad dark hole. I also need exercise, sunshine and forgiveness. Earlier this summer I separated myself from a lot of online people who only brought constant negativity and bad vibes. I just don't want to know what they're doing or saying anymore, I only want to be surrounded by positive people and things.
I still have my bad days. I still wake up wishing I had a proper job in my career right now, wishing I had my own cute apartment in a cool area, wishing I felt more fulfilled in certain areas of my personal life. But I also have hope that one day I'll get there, it's just taking a bit more time than I thought. I remember that most of my friends are also at home or not far from home, that you can't compare yourself to the couple people who maybe seem more successful than you right now. That you should be most gentle with yourself and with the people you love. Good things will come.
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